Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*