“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
can’t bark with your mouth full
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped