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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
#ProTip
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH