[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat