[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Cha-ching is my safe word
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.