[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
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1. Divorce lawyers
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj