MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”