Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You Might Also Like
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…