You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I think about this a lot
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already