Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
You Might Also Like
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Hilarious if literal: arms race
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Pigeon open mic night.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.