A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.