[eulogy]
line?
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I have no passwords left in me
I can’t wait!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in