Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING