GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Yes, this is exactly right
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago