me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”