My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)