Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“What?”
– Jude
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.