I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?