Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.