I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild