In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho