Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Google reviews are always so mixed..