[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Stonehinge
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN