*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’d use my best pan on you.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
God, I love Scotland
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though