Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
In Canada they just call them geese
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
lmao
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday