Jogging
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months