I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.