running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
doing some research
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
yeah 😭
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.