[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative