them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you