*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
NASA has no chill
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Eggs benadryl my favourite