I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Something Saturday.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.