The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
You Might Also Like
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case