I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
OKAY DAD
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her