[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch