*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Okay
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me trying to look natural in photos
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?