The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
another case of gang violins
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*watches the world burn*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.