“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.