Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭