BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so