I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I cannot call her anything else now
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.