Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces