I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?