dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows