when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You Might Also Like
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.