Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
she has a point
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything