When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.