5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Chicken bread
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME