her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
May never get over this
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Love this guy
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
😂😂
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.