who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My last name is Zilla.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You have been warned.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed